When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
You Might Also Like
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
That’s incredible! 👌
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
The funk soul brother
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.