When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
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3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
We’ve come full circle
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter