When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
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My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
