when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.