when you are just born a rebel
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i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
and now we wait
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn