when you are just born a rebel
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Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change