when you are just born a rebel
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“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Wait for it
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable