when you are just born a rebel
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I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man