When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
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fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
💀🤣
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”