When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
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Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I just want an internship man
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off