When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
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God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*