When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
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Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.