When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
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[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…