When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
You Might Also Like
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Pigeon open mic night.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?