When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
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I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.