When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
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those birds must be on payroll
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
It do be feeling this way.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!