When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
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I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
what is cheese if not milk persevering
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
When you kidnap a writer.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.