When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
You Might Also Like
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.