Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.

Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

Is….Is this an option?

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.