when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
You Might Also Like
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.