When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
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“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
no
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.