when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
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My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Whoops
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*