when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
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You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Who.
Did.
This?
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
