when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
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Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.