*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
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*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
181.
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
2023 was just a warmup
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.