Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

😲 WTF? 😆

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”