When you can’t find your friend Neil
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I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.