Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

how it started vs how it ended

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.