Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

*slowly slides PBJ under seat*