Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

quarantine day 3

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.

She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.