When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
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This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
when u come home smelling like another dog
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
