Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s actually Dr. whatever

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.