When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
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I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Lmao
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
sleeping beauty
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.