When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
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[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
we’re gonna need another temp
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?