When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
You Might Also Like
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
What a website
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically