When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
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Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
The government even made aliens boring
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Trumpy Cat
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad