When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
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Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
You know for a fact Wolverine is the designated onion dicer at X-mansion while Nightcrawler takes the trash out.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby