Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)

9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake

Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)

9: What the heck was that?!

Me: Aftershock

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

What about a To-Don’t List?

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”