When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
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Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.