When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
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I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly