When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
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I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
boat question
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic