When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
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Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Doctors texting each other.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
X-tra spooky blend
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.