When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
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Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
my fav colour is also hitler
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?