Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.