Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

This meal prepping shit is easy

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

plant them where lol

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.