When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
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Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.