When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
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an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
