Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv