When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
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I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
NASA has no chill
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE