When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
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What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
What fresh Hell is this?!?
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?