When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
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How did the first person to read learn how to read?
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.