When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
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Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.