when you don’t want to be too vague
You Might Also Like
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
me when somebody idk start touching me
