Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking