Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

make up your mind