When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
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I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
#polloftheday
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.