When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
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Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.