When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
