When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
