When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
