When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
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HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”