Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

Erm I’m gonna say no

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

Bruh 😂

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles