Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

JUMP

ING

UP

AND

DOWN

ON

THE

TRAMP

O

LINE

OUT

SIDE

YOUR

WIN

DOW

IS

NOT

HOW

I

WANT

ED

TO

BREAK

UP

WITH

YOU

KAR

EN

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.