“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
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*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white