Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me:

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”