When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
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When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.