Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.