When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
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I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
i feel so bad i refunded him
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.