Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

Who.
Did.
This?

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble