Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

boss: we have to let you go

me: why

boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing

me: em…

boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good

me: see!

boss: ok you can stay

me: *under my breath* a

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

Which wines pair best with gloating?

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.