When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
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How do horror writers compete with current events?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.