when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
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Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”